I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
