She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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