No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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