ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
if only i could text you this smell
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
