The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize