Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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