How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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