the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
