dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
