oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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