Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
