farters have to be the big spoon...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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