Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
