You don't have asthma, your pregnant
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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