Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
