just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
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Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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