Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Who put my cat in the fridge?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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