Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
please come you make the beer taste better
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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