theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
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