I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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