were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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