that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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