My nipple is on Facebook.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
