okay pat passed out under dana's car
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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