So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
