Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
