I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
In other news, I just burned my penis
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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