I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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