I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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