I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
