I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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