Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
