I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
