i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
