im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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