This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
