so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
