I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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