No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Randomize
