I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
