Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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