He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
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nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
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How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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