I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
