my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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