im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
