Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
