sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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