He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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