There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
