checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
