It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
