his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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