we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i think my cat just said my name.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
