I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
