I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
