You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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