What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
